If Varroa Mites Could Write
Stephen Bishop
Mr. Jerry Hayes
Editor, Bee Culture
623 West Liberty Street
Medina, Ohio 44256
Dear Mr. Hayes,
Please be advised this is official correspondence from the duly-elected leadership of the supreme species DELSS (the duly-elected leadership of our supreme species), known in your human parlance as Varroa destructor—a.k.a. varroa, the mite, the little red pinprick of horror, the scourge of hives and destroyer of beekeepers’ souls.
Let it be known that, upon publication in your prestigious periodical Bee Culture, this letter serves as official notice to all beekeepers that we will not stop our conquest for world domination. We have now invaded Australia in our quest to colonize every bee hive on planet Earth. Our spread knows no bounds; wherever bees go, we will follow, even if it takes us to the ice cliffs of Antarctica or the cold craters of the moon. We will not relent.
As the last four decades have proven, your efforts to eradicate us are futile. Although we do admire and respect the ferocity with which some humans have fought against the proliferation of our superior species, we now demand that you lay down your primitive oxalic acid wands and chemical concoctions and surrender your bees to us.
The time of human domination of Apis mellifera is over. No more will humans plunder bee hives and rob honey. No more will bees be under the subjugation of a species with merely two legs. How foolish you were for resisting—you pitiful soft-bodied species with no exoskeleton! (That said, we did appreciate the powdered sugar dusting fad that happened about ten years ago—hey, we mites like sweets as much as the next species.)
All beekeepers who lay down smokers now and give up will face no further consequences. All who resist will meet heartbreak and despair, as we are now immune to your once most lethal concoction, Amitraz. Indeed, it is now impossible for you to withstand the rate of our proliferation. Before long there will be more varroa mites on Earth than all bipeds combined. You would be wise to give up your efforts to breed mite-resistant bees, which are doomed to failure, and instead use your oversized craniums to surrender now.
If you do wisely decide to wave the white bee glove of surrender, our leadership will gladly accept it, on behalf of our great arachnid species, with all the formal protocol that such a momentous occasion deserves, namely that of your leadership, Mr. Jerry Hayes, bowing down and presenting his ceremonial hive tool.
On behalf of all worldwide members of Varroa destructor, we await your prompt response.
Sincerely,
The Supreme Senate of Varroa Mite Mothers
