Fool being the Keyword
Stephen Bishop
If there’s one universal truth to life, it’s that your smoker will die at the most inopportune time. Namely, when a battalion of bees is practicing war games with you as the main adversary.
BEE HEADQUARTERS: “Artillery, lay down covering fire on the veil!”
FIRST BEE SCOUT: [peering through binoculars] “Sir, the enemy appears to be taking evasive actions – it’s twisting and gyrating and swatting erratically.”
BEE HQ: “Concentrate fire on the t-shirt. That light armor is no match for our firepower.”
SECOND BEE SCOUT: “Scout to HQ—the enemy’s smoker has been disabled! It’s trying desperately to find dry fuel on the ground.”
BEE HQ: “It’s distracted—send in the infantry!”
SECOND BEE SCOUT: “Infantry advancing up the blue jeans. Forming two flanks. T-minus 15 seconds before bare skin is breached below the untucked T-shirt!”
FIRST BEE SCOUT: [approximately fifteen seconds later] “The enemy is retreating! It also appears to be signaling surrender—it’s stripping naked and swatting with the white T-shirt.”
BEE HQ: “Good job, soldiers—mission accomplished!”
As a man who has suffered once or twice from embarrassing performance issues with my smoker, I can tell you it’s nothing to be ashamed about. It happens to the best beekeepers—and the worst beekeepers in my case. That said, through a decade of trial and error, I’ve slowly honed my method of lighting a smoker, and I’ve developed a foolproof way to keep it lit without incurring minor explosions. Thus, if I can keep a smoker lit, there’s hope for any man of limited resources and intellect, or any “fool-headed numbskull” as my wife might say—yes, I’ve told her that’s redundant.
When it comes to lighting a smoker, I can tell you that a dab of diesel fuel goes a long way, about a hundred yards from liftoff to touchdown. So don’t, in desperation, use any petroleum-based propellant in your smoker. Also, if you live in the southeastern United States, don’t even bother with matches. A match is no match (sorry) for our humidity, so I recommend getting a good butane torch to light your smoker. And I don’t mean those cheapo grill lighters at the grocery store. I mean a proper torch—any torch that looks like it might require a background check will likely suffice.
A good torch will ignite kindling fast. As for kindling, I suggest the detritus littering your truck’s floorboards. Receipts, napkins and petrified fries all make first-class kindling, at least if you remember to roll up your windows before a storm. Generally, anything dripping wet makes poor kindling, but if your torch came from an Army surplus store then it really doesn’t matter.
The kindling needs to be burning good and hot so you don’t smother the fire when you add more fuel. If while holding the smoker at arm’s length your eyebrows feel endangered, then the kindling is burning hot enough, at which point you can slowly add the main smoker fuel. If you’ve got the money, mice nests are the best fuel money can buy. Thankfully, I don’t have to buy mine because I have a large congregation of mice that meets nightly in my barn. A tightly shredded nest will smolder for hours. If you can’t get your hands on a good nest, then the grass clippings that buildup on the deck of your lawnmower make an adequate substitute. Pinestraw is also good.
To keep your smoker lit, it helps to puff the billows every few minutes, especially the few minutes before the smoker goes out. Also, it helps to be a psychic to know when this moment will occur.
Well, that’s it—my foolproof way to keep your smoker lit. I hope it helps. If it doesn’t, you can just burn this page for kindling.
(Stephen Bishop keeps his smoker lit in Shelby, NC. You can read more of his humor writing at misfitfarmer.com.)